Well, I posted my first blog – which was borne out of a review of the excellent book “Healing the Divide: Recovering Christianity’s Mystic Roots” by Amos Smith and two weeks later I present my second. Without wanting to resort to cliché, it made me recognise the journey I have been on in recent years. All lives are a journey, every single one complex and unique – however, the only one we can give authentic comment on – the only one where we have a complete “insiders” view is our own. Anyone who has read my original blog will see that the major changes in my life have been punctuated and propelled forward by deaths. I have listed three; however we all experience many more than three deaths throughout life, both literal and metaphorical. The three that I chose to list were the death of both my brothers, over 20 years apart and both in violent and tragic circumstances – and the death of my parent’s marriage, when I was still very young. All three brought about change, the biggest change being my decision to become a Christian, after the murder of my 28 year old brother Adam, back in August ’88.
However, the “death” that brought about the greatest change in my life, certainly one that completely altered my circumstances was that of my marriage, after more than 20 years. That was back in 2007. Never underestimate the devastation a divorce wreaks on lives, particularly one of such long standing. It was my decision; an extremely painful one, but one that was borne out of necessity. The necessity of survival, because the destructive elements that were now ruling that marriage, were slowly but surely destroying the lives of three people – two warring adults and an extremely vulnerable and impressionable 10 year old boy.
One evening when John flew into one of his frightening and unpredictable rages I suddenly realised with complete clarity, that the only sensible thing to do was to leave and to do so with immediate effect. So I seized the first opportune moment when there was a slight lull in his rant. While he was upstairs in the bathroom, I grabbed the hand of my weeping son, took hold of both our coats, checked my handbag for the car keys, all of which as luck would have it, were hanging from hooks by the front door, opened it and walked out for good. That is now almost exactly eight years ago.
So, why am I recounting all this? Because, if I want to be authentic about the journey I have taken, I need to examine all the pivotal stages along the way; the places that have caused me to take a different path, whether enforced or chosen.
None of the other “deaths” were of my making; all of those decisions were completely out of my grasp, but not this. For the first time I had stepped out of the “container” of my perception of Christian values – for example a marriage always being for life. Looking back over these past eight years I know it was the right decision. I have moved on – I have grown, but not just me. The others in the marriage have also changed. My son in particular, has blossomed. My ex has met someone else and re-married. It was an extremely painful experience, particularly in the early days, but I am convinced that I made the right decision because out of that death have come the shoots of new life. The Christian life should be a resurrection life, “Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only one seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” John 12:24. My marriage was stagnant and dying – it was full of fear, unhappiness, reproach and any remnants of love that flickered within it were being gradually extinguished. God’s Love brings Life not death – “a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.” Isaiah 42:3.
I know now that as I grabbed my 10 year old son’s hand, that bleak January day in 2007, taking him out into the unknown, we did not go out alone – Someone was holding my hand He was clearing the way ahead, removing obstacles and providing sustenance along the way and He continues to do so day by day. He does that through changing circumstances, family and friends. In my case my remarkable 86 year old mother – has been an unending source of support – my rock both emotionally and oft times financially too! He also lays a trail along the path and if we keep our eyes wide open we will discover the clues and signposts that assist us and give responses to our endless questing and journeying – leading us onward towards the treasure, the pearl of His Kingdom, a deepening relationship with Him.
Just weeks before my brother, Hugo’s death – the family were gathered in my brand new little apartment, altogether for the first time in ages. It was Christmas Eve the end of the year, with the new one beckoning. The rest of the family were chatting in the sitting room and he left them and came over to speak with me while I prepared the evening meal in the kitchen. I used to love having conversations with my highly intelligent, complex brother; we didn’t indulge in “small talk” but always delved into the deeper things of life. This evening was no different, and although I cannot recall the content of our conversation, I will never forget the opening line. Here I was almost three years down the line from that fateful day, flourishing. A new flat, a new role within the school I worked in and we were now approaching a new year.
“So, Mandy,” he inquired “tell me what you are planning to do with the rest of your life?” It was a pertinent question, it went in deep, and it implied so much. This wasn’t a cosy finish, but a fresh start, a fork in the road, with decisions to be made, and questions to ask. Those questions have kept coming and have led me in a completely different direction with regards my relationship with God. They have led me into the wilderness, away from my current understanding of who He is, and as the questions keep coming; as I have railed against Him and thrown up my doubts and my crumbling certainties, He has patiently led me out into the wider world of the Christian Faith. I am encountering different ways of seeing Him, His world, His Creation and His followers and the mist is slowly beginning to clear as I discover Joy in the Journey…
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